That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
