Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
