I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
