Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
