First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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