I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
