Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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