We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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