Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
