I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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