Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
