is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
