Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize