So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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