remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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