True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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