A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
