she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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