addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
