you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
