If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
