he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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