I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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