so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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