Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
