My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
