I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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