just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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