First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
