THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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