Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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