Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
