I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
