I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
