i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
