he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
