I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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