Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
