Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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