wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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