Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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