if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
