Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
