Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
50% drunk capacity currently
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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