I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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