Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
