don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
