So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
