Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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