Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
