There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Randomize
