I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
