tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
