Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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