i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
