I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so let's talk penis.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
