don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
the raccoons are back...
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