You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
